Moments
by onmyside
Summary: Elsie Hughes remembers her early days at Downton while coming across some old letters. What has happened in the 20 years in between.
1. Prologue

_A/N I started to write this yesterday evening and so far I have NO idea where this might lead to. Really... :) _

__Sadly, the characters aren't my creation. They belong to Mr. Fellowes, ITV, Masterpiece.

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

_Dearest Anne,_

_It's been a month since I've left everything I know behind to travel to England and start a new life. I do apologize for not having written earlier but the position I hold in this household requires my full attention every day from dusk until dawn and I have hardly time for myself. Today is my half day off – the first since I've started work here. I should have joined the other maids on a walk down to the village but there were more urgent things I had to attend to first. Writing this letter to you is one of them. _

_I've left home in a hurry, or so it might have looked to you. Let me briefly explain what changed my mind so quickly after having been so uncertain about this job for such a long time. You know about Joe and me. You know how long he courted me. The day before I left he proposed all of a sudden. Of course I was flattered but I was also concerned about my future. I have stopped being a farm girl when I went into service and I could not envision myself as the wife of a farmer anymore. I would have stayed with you, look for employment near you if he had not proposed but the moment I had made my decision and turned him down I knew that I had to move on and change my life. I took the opportunity that was offered to me and accepted the position as head housemaid here at Downton Abbey.  
>The house is grand and so different from all the places I've worked before. It took me two weeks to know my way around the main part of the house however I have still not seen everything of it. For the first time I do not have to share a room but have my own bedroom which is furnished with a simple bed, a chair, an armchair and even a small bureau. If it was not for the homesickness I would be very happy here indeed. I am under the jurisdiction of a very nice housekeeper. She is already in her early sixties but you should see how she runs this place. I must say, I admire her. She is strict but fair and always encourages the maids to tell her their concerns and needs. <em>

_Then there is the butler. I've never seen a more handsome man and the thought of him makes me blush while I write though it should not affect me at all. I used to loathe all the men I had encountered holding this position for a good reason. You know very well what I imply. He is different. I can tell you that much. _

_Please forgive my lack of correspondence. I promise to take the time to write to you more often in the weeks that come. _

_Your loving sister,_

_Elsie_

The ink was faded and the paper yellowed and brittle where it had been folded over the years. Elsie carefully slid it back into the old envelope where she had kept the letter for so long. Twenty years ago she had sat down one afternoon, her heart so full of impressions from her new employment, so full of thoughts and worries and fears. But in the end she did not find the courage to send it to her sister. Instead she had taken her time to write a new one containing much of the information she had disclosed before but leaving out one crucial part: the butler.

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><p><em>AN Thanks for all the wonderful comments I've already received on tumblr! _


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N Prologue and chapter One in one day? ;D_

_Still not sure where this will end... _

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><p><strong>Chapter ONE<strong>

The train was late and there was one thing she despised: unpunctuality. Additionally it rained heavily and the roofed part of the platform was overcrowded with workers waiting for their lift to the dayshift in the factories. She stood close to the edge, firmly gripping her small valise, trying to avoid eye-contact with any of the men. A few of them had already whistled at her and one had even dared to touch her bottom while passing by. She had kept a straight face all the while although she was seething inside. She longed for the train to arrive and take her away from this place right now even if it was her home, everything she knew and loved. But it was her past and ahead, along the endless tracks of this railroad, lay her future. A faint whistle drew the attention of the waiting passengers towards the horizon were the lush green hills of the Lowlands stretched out. Grey smoke rose in the distance announcing the arrival of the train to York, to a new life.

Third class compartments were soon as overcrowded as the platform and Elsie was glad to have found a seat next to the window to keep her eyes and mind distracted from the people around her. In Glasgow most of the workers fortunately left the train and she was able to relax a bit. She let go of her bag which she had tightly pressed to her chest all the time and put it on one of the baggage racks above her. When the train started again and the slow and steady swaying movement set in she allowed herself some rest, closed her eyes and rested her head against the window. Her mind drifted off into an uneasy sleep full of too vivid and fresh memories: the happy faces of her parents and her sister when she had told them about her new employment, the sad faces when they said their goodbyes, his disappointed face when she hard turned him down, the anxious face of her dear mother when she had left the house in the early hours of the morning when the world was still clad in darkness. All was now so far away and would continue to exist in a life that was not hers anymore.

The swaying stopped all of a sudden. Slowly she opened her eyes and stifled a yawn. How long she had been asleep she did not know but the world outside had changed. The hills were a different green, the farmland the train passed by was full of cows instead of sheep, trees lined the tracks and the sun was already past her peak. A small silver watch she kept on a delicate silver chain around her neck told her that it was past three in the afternoon already. Her journey had so far taken more than eight hours time. Soon the train would make its last stop in the town of York from where she would take another train to Downton. Her last stop and the first of a new future.

ooooo

Her legs and back ached from the long hours she had spent sitting on the hard wooden bench in the third class compartment. But that did not matter now. She had arrived in England.

The narrow platform was full of travelers that had left the train at this final destination ready to meet their families, friends, husbands or wives. Wherever she let her eyes wander people were greeted by other people, embraced, and welcomed with a smile. Others hurried away quickly but she was sure that those too had someone waiting for them outside the train station. She let her bag drop to the stone floor, adjusted her hat and her coat and took one deep breath before she crossed the platform towards the main building. It had been her decision to leave her home and family behind so she had no right to envy the people around her for their happiness. This was not the time to sink into self doubt.

The main hall of York station was huge and impressive. It almost took her breath away and made her forget the loneliness she had suffered minutes ago, when she tilted her head back to have a look at the wonderful circular arcs that span the platforms. A perfect work of structural engineering she would probably only see once in her life. She took her time to admire the place before a look at the large wall clock told her it was time to move on. The final part of her journey was now inevitable lying ahead.

ooooo

Downton. A small town in the county of Yorkshire in the North of England was her new home. Aside from her only three other passengers had left the train and the loneliness that suddenly came over her could not be compared to any other feeling she had experienced before. This was it. Her new life. There was no way back now. She had to make the best of it, let her feelings and doubts not take over her mind, accept the fact that it had been her decision and that no one had forced her to take on this new employment. She would be strong and self-confident, erect that wall again that had helped her keep her emotions at bay for uncountable times already in the past.

Elsie took her bag in one hand and made her way towards the coaches that waited in front of the small station. One of them would take her to the estate.

"You've to leave her, ma'am. Can't go all the way up to the house." Elsie thanked the driver and walked through the stone gate that marked the entrance to the grounds. A long gravel path led the way to the estate. It cut through lush meadows that were the beginning of an extensive park. The gravel crunched underneath her feet and was the only sound she perceived as she made her way towards the impressive house with its four large towers on each corner of the rectangular building and the single one in the center. She had never before seen such a outstanding building. It looked like a castle not like the manor of an Earl. Still, the closer she got to the house the more it intimidated her. All its splendour and magnificence were lost and replaced by an uneasiness that made her throat feel constricted when she finally stood right in front of it. She dared not to take the main entrance, knock on the oaken door to announce her arrival. Instead she quickly had a look around to search for the back door, the servant's entrance, her entrance to the house.

A small wrought iron gate set in a large yew hedge seemed to be the thing she had been looking for. She took one last deep breath to calm her nerves and made her way towards the small gate when a voice behind her made her jump. It was deep and stern yet kind and soothing at the same time, if something so contradictory was possible. She stopped walking and slowly turned around, her heart beating so hard inside her chest that she was afraid everyone else could hear it too.

"May I ask who you are and what you are doing on the premises?" A very tall man, perfectly coiffed, dressed in a meticulously starched white shirt and a raven black tailcoat looked down at her, inquiringly. Now was the time for her to erect that wall again and not let her nervousness show. She was not a twenty year old girl anymore taking on her first employment away from home without any experience. Head housemaid was a responsible position that required a lot of knowledge, sensitivity and organizational skills. She had all of these skills and she had a strong personality and was self-confident, usually.

"The name is Elsie Hughes. I am the new head housemaid."

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><p><em>AN I know... there are already quite a few fanfics about Elsie's early days at Downton. But that's where the plot bunny wanted me to go..._


	3. Chapter 2

_A/N Thank you so far for your lovely reviews! I will reply to them tomorrow!_

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><p><strong>Chapter TWO<strong>

"Mrs. Hughes", his voice penetrated the silence that had evolved since she had put away the stack of old letters. She did not turn around to look at him because she could not. Not yet. The memories were too fresh and most of all he would not understand why her cheeks were still wet and her eyes a telling red.

"Is something the matter?" she could hear his steps on the stone floor, how he cautiously approached her, his voice a hint of worry in it. In one futile attempt she tried to wipe away the rest of the tears from her face with her already damp handkerchief.

"It is nothing I should bother you with, Mr. Carson." If _he_ had told her that she would not be convinced. First of all because he still looked at her back while she spoke and secondly her voice did not sound as strong as she wanted it to.

"Well, the way you said it now _makes _me bother, Mrs. Hughes. What is it?" He stood right behind her now. She could feel his presence and his hand that rested on the back of her chair not quite touching her but near enough for her to know it was there.

"Do you remember my first day here?" She slowly turned around, still not ready to face him but she could not pretend that she was all right any longer without making a fool of herself in his presence.

"How can I ever forget that day, Mrs. Hughes." He tried to smile but she could see that his eyes did not. They studied her closely, took in her slightly reddened eyes, her flushed cheeks and the sad look on her face. She was able to keep a lot to herself, bury her feelings deep down inside her but worry always seeped through no matter how hard she tried to keep it hidden.

"I thought you would say that." Her smile was dishonest as well but she had to give it a try.

ooooo

"You are from Scotland then?" the old housekeeper seized her up skeptically with her head tilted to the left and narrowed eyes as if she had problems with her vision. "Well, as long as you are capable of hard work and can master the English language its fine with me." She dismissed her and the tall butler with a wave of her hand.

They stood outside on the large and dimly lit corridor in front of the housekeeper's now closed door. The moment she had stepped through the back door, accompanied by the butler she felt reassured that she had made the right decision to leave her home and country. After the rather impolite welcome in front of the main entrance, he had introduced himself as Charles Carson, butler of Downton Abbey and apologized for his harsh words earlier. He had even smiled and offered her to carry her small valise. But now, after the first brief encounter with her direct superior Elsie could feel how her uneasiness returned. "Hasn't she read my application?" she tried to suppress her accent as good as possible.

The tall man next to her sighed but straightened his back in the next second when she looked at him quizzically. "To answer your question Ms Hughes, Mrs. Willow has not read your application but I did and it was my decision to hire you."

She decided to ignore the nervousness once again and quickly rebuilt a strong and self-confident outward appearance. "Thank you Mr. Carson that was very nice. I hadn't expected that as a butler you were in charge of hiring the housemaids."

He cleared his throat and bent down to pick up her bag again. "Let me show you your room now. You must be tired from the long journey."

ooooo

The stairway seemed endless to her. Higher and higher they climbed, him walking in front of her maintaining a steady and light-footed step which made it hard for her to keep the pace. Not once did he stop to catch breath or turn around to see if she was still behind him though she was panting already.

"Mr. Carson", breathless she stopped at the bottom of just another flight of stairs. To her relief he turned around after he had heard her call his name. "I do not want to give you the impression that I'm not capable of managing all these stairs but…" she paused to catch her breath. "I've had a very long journey and I would be very thankful if you could slow down a bit?" The way she phrased her request was rather bold but Elsie had decided to give not the slightest reason for their new employer to regard her as shy and inexperienced. If she was to stay her, work here, live here, she would make sure that they saw her as a strong- minded and self-confident woman.

"I'm sorry Ms Hughes." He went down the few steps he was already ahead of her and once again stood next to her. "It was rather impolite to climb the stairs in such a hurry. I apologize."

Tilting her head back just an inch, she looked up into his face for the first time today, allowing her eyes to take in his features. The blue eyes, bushy eyebrows, large nose and thin lips made him look very handsome. His hair was beginning to turn grey at the temples but was otherwise dark black like his tailcoat. A small smile played around his lips. "Are you rested enough to continue?"

She was and they went up two more flight of stairs until they finally reached the sleeping quarters. "You should remember to take the stairs to the right Ms Hughes, otherwise you will enter the men's quarters involuntarily. And we have strict rules at Downton Abbey. Romantic relationships between the servants will result in immediate dismissal without credentials." The deep voice sounded stern again now like it had an hour earlier in front of the house.

"I understand Mr. Carson and I can assure you that I have no intention whatsoever to disobey these rules." She would never give in to any flirting or indecent hints from footmen or other male staff. Ten years in service had made her an expert in knowing people and taught her how to avoid situations that involved lovelorn men. She had fought off many admirers in her last employments. Only one man remained a constant in her life and that was Joe Burns. He had always been there when she had days off, was looking for a new employment or visiting her parents and sister. He was a kind and caring man but never more than a friend. She would never see him again for it was his proposal that had made her take on this new job away from everything she knew.

"Well Ms Hughes, this will be your new home then." They walked up the stairs, turned around a corner and entered a long corridor with doors to both sides. Name tags indicated who occupied the rooms. One door had an empty white label attached to it which Mr. Carson now extracted. "I will write down your name on it later. First you should see your room and unpack."The door slowly opened and revealed a small but nice room with a window, a bed, a chair, an armchair and a small bureau to the left.

"It is lovely", she noticed that the room just had a single bed. "Won't I share it with someone?"

Mr. Carson placed her bag on the empty chair ready to be unpacked. "The head housemaid has her own bedroom at Downton Abbey." His voice was now soft again, friendly and warm. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Not at all Mr. Carson." Again she looked into his face and he gave her a smile in return then cleared his throat which he obviously did every time he was beginning to feel uneasy.

"Make yourself comfortable. We will have dinner at seven thirty downstairs in the servant's hall. Before that I would like to introduce you to your new employer, Lord Grantham." The formal tone in his voice had once more returned but it changed for one last time when he left the room. "And Ms Hughes, don't try to hide your accent."

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><p><em>AN I know it's short... sorry for that. But I got stuck :-/ somewhere in the middle and wanted to avoid to repeat myself. _

_So what is it that Elsie's so upset about?_


	4. Chapter 3

_A/N Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews so far! (and thank work for being not so buys today so that I could finish this chapter ;))_

_Have fun reading and let me know what you think! (suggestions, critique, anything)_

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><p><strong>Chapter THREE<strong>

She had only brought a few of her belongings with her. A picture of her parents, a smaller one of herself and her sister, a few books that were in her possession for years, the covers already worn and the pages yellowed and a little white rather fragile looking ivory elephant her father had once given her as a birthday present. She arranged those items on the bureau until they looked as if they had always stood there, making this room _her _room now.

Her two dresses she put in the wardrobe next to the door, a black one for church on Sundays and a dark blue skirt with a matching blouse. Then she finally took of her coat. She had bought this piece of garment before she had left for Yorkshire and spent a month's wages on it. The dark green colour of it reminded her of the hills that surrounded her parent's farm and it felt so wonderfully soft when she touched it. Her mother had called her a sentimental lassie for spending so much money on a coat just because it reminded her of her home and country. Carefully she hung it next to her black dress and then began to remove her travel clothing. It was all dusty and the seam wet from walking across the lawn earlier that day.

Only wearing her thin shift and her corset now she took the pins out of her hair and let the dark brown curls fall down onto her shoulders. A small mirror stood on top of a chest of drawers next to the window with a pitcher and a porcelain bowl next to it. She would just wash her face and her neck before stepping into the starched black dress and become the head housemaid of Downton Abbey.

The cold water felt good on her skin, like washing off the old Elsie Hughes and changing into Ms Hughes the head housemaid of one of the grandest estates she had ever been privileged to work at. An old song from her childhood came to her mind and she quietly hummed it, her mind travelling back to the few happy and carefree days of her childhood causing her to miss the soft knock on her door.

"Ms Hughes I forget to…" she shrieked and he shut the door with a loud bang.

ooooo

_PRESENT_

"I am still utterly sorry to have caused such an embarrassing situation on your first day." He furled his brows in genuine concern now. She had tried to distract him from the actual matter to avoid having to talk about all the things that burdened her heart. It had not worked. Charles Carson had never been a man one could easily fool when it came to worry. He was like her in such situations. "But that was not what was bothering you, wasn't it?"

He was still standing behind her chair looking down at her. She could not decide if she should offer him to sit down or stand up herself. "Would you mind if I sit down for a moment?" It solved the open question she had on her mind but it did not solve the fact that she was not ready to tell him what had caused her distress.

"Of course not Mr. Carson." So he took a seat in the chair next to her.

"Now, whatever is the matter? I haven't seen you look so sad since your mother died a few years ago." His voice was so soft and gentle. Somehow he was the only person she confided in. Since her first day at Downton she knew she could trust him. And he always managed to make her open her heart, though never completely. There was one thing she had always kept hidden from him. With good reason.

ooooo

Lord Grantham was a very kind man, slightly older than her but a bit younger than Mr. Carson who stood behind her while introducing her to his Lordship. His deep and penetrating voice had adopted that unemotional tone again and he continued to talk to her like that during the rest of the day. It was apparent that since he had walked into her room and caused that awkward situation he tried to act as though it had never happened.

She was introduced to the other housemaids, all young girls from the ages of fifteen to twenty-one, the footmen, young tall and good looking lads that sure turned a few heads, and a ladies maid. All welcomed her with a warm smile.

"I will introduce you to our cook, Mrs. Patmore, and his Lordships valet, Mr. Watson, later. We will serve dinner now to the family. You may stay downstairs for the time being."

The table in the servant's hall was almost deserted while everyone was upstairs and busy with attending to the family. Only a young kitchen maid and two of the hall boys sat at the far end of the table, casting her shy glances from time to time. Before she would sit here for another hour, Elsie decided to make herself familiar with the rooms downstairs. She knew where the butler's pantry and the housekeeper's sitting room where located. Across from that were parts of the large kitchen, now busy with the footmen running in and out of it carrying plates full of delicious looking food. She could hear the demanding voice of the cook, ordering the kitchen maids around. Along the corridor she found the door that lead to the linen cabinet and another one where they kept the liveries. Every room had a label at the door indicating its purpose. That was another huge difference to the houses she had so far worked at. There she had to work from the moment she stepped through the door. They had not given her time to settle in or even introduced the rest of the staff to her. Downton Abbey was indeed different.

ooooo

It took her two weeks to get used to the daily routine that was expected of her. She knew her way around the house by then pretty well and that one moment on the day of her arrival was obviously forgotten. Mr. Carson was still stern from time to time when he talked to her but when she met him somewhere in the endless corridors and staircases of the house they could talk about everything – from the nice spring weather that had turned the gardens into a blossoming paradise to stories about Downton and the current inhabitants. He had a font of anecdotes to tell and she enjoyed listening to them, watching him talk, how his face changed from that stern and controlled look to a one with wrinkles around his eyes and a smile upon his lips. Mr. Carson had been employed at the estate for a good 12 years now, starting as a first footman and making his way to the top position he held now very fast. And she could understand why. He was efficient, a master of delegation, stern yet fair to the servants he had under his jurisdiction. Elsie was not used to work so closely with the butler. In fact she had always avoided it at her previous employments since that one incident when she had started working in service as a young, inexperienced housemaid of twenty two.

He had been much older than Mr. Carson, at least fifty. She had been introduced to him at her first day by the housekeeper and then started work right away. Only in the evening did she see the butler again while the staff gathered for their dinner. He had talked to her, asked her about her family, had smiled at her broad accent. Just like Mr. Carson now. But then, after two months, she had met him alone one evening when she was busy preparing one of the larger bedrooms. He had closed the door behind him and before she knew what was going on she had felt his lips on hers and his hands on her bottom. She still could not remember how she got out of the room and up to her room where she locked the door behind her and sank to the floor, crying and sobbing for the rest of the night until the housekeeper sent out one of the other housemaids to look for her. The man was dismissed a few days later but it took Elsie a year to get over this one incident and come to trust the new butler and men in general. Mr. Carson was different.

ooooo

When she was alone in her room at night, though exhausted after a sixteen hour day, running up and down the stairs constantly, she had problems falling asleep. Her homesickness kept her awake and it had hit her so unexpectedly that she often cried herself into sleep. She could not tell what she missed in particular, maybe it was the landscape, the familiarity of her surroundings, her family, the smell of the air after a rainy day. But it was not only the feeling of having no real home anymore there was also something completely the opposite that made it hard for her to close her eyes at night and grant herself the rest she so desperately needed. His face. His smile. The sound of his voice. And she did not think about Joe anymore. Her mind was occupied by Charles Carson. One thing she had always tried to avoid had happened to her, her wall had not been strong enough. She had fallen in love.

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><p><em>AN sorry... "present" will have to wait until chapter four! _


	5. Chapter 4

_A/N thanks for having stayed with me until now :) and your lovely reviews. _

_This chapter did not really turned out the way I wanted it to be but that's just my humble opinion. Thanks to Maple Fay for having a look at the first paragraphs and telling me that I did not screw it up. 3_

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><p><strong>Chapter FOUR<strong>

"I have worked here for almost twenty years now, Mr. Carson." She took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and looked down at her hands. The skin was wrinkled now, not as smooth as it had once been when she was younger. Her palms were still soft and would have looked different now, full of calluses, had she decided to become a farmer's wife twenty years ago. But she had not, and although it had been difficult to get used to her new life in the beginning, she had no regrets.

"When I came here I had left behind everything I knew, everything I thought I was." She allowed herself to look into his eyes, longer than she usually did. He had to understand why she was so upset, although he probably would anyhow. Because he knew her, was able to sense it when something was bothering her, when something wasn't right.

"It was not an easy decision for me to leave my home. But I had to in order to advance in life." He nodded sympathetically.

"And now you got some bad news from your family, I presume?" Their gazes were still locked, which usually made her feel uneasy, because she was never sure how long she could suppress the emotions that started to surface. Though today she found it somehow relaxing, to look at him so intensely.

He blinked and smiled briefly to encourage her to go on and to end the silence. Elsie breathed a sigh and reached out to grab the envelope from her bureau. She held it in her hands for a moment, considered her next words. "This letter arrived today. It is from my brother in law." A wet spot appeared on the cream coloured piece of paper and she realized that she was crying silently again. But instead of turning away from him, she just closed her eyes and tried to blink back the tears.

Then she suddenly felt his hand on her shoulder, how it carefully touched her and then slowly moved down her arm until it rested on her hand. They never had physical contact like this before. Sure their hands had brushed from time to time accidentally and he had offered her his arm when they walked to church on Sundays but comforting her like this was something new. She kept her eyes closed and hoped that he would not take his hand away.

ooooo

She sat down one morning to finally write a letter to her sister. Four weeks had passed since she had left Scotland and so much had happened in between. The housekeeper who had welcomed her rather unfriendly on her first day had turned out to be in fact a very nice woman, strict but fair, caring but not overly emotional. Her only problem was, as Elsie had suspected, her eyesight. Therefore Mr. Carson took care of everything that had to do with writing, reading and accounting. He made sure that the ledgers were in order, and occasionally had a look at the linen book and the Rota to avoid any mistakes. He covered up for her as best as possible and somehow Elsie felt sorry for both of them.

It was her first half day off today and she had gotten up early to make the most of it. Some of the other housemaids went down to the village but she had stayed in her room to write that letter and to have time to think about what had happened since she had arrived at Downton. The sheet of paper in front of her was still empty though. She stared at it for five minutes now but could not settle her thoughts, could not find a way to express what was on her mind and how much of it she should tell her sister. She looked around the room and out of the window. It was a sunny day in late spring. A gentle breeze that smelled of wild flowers and freshly mowed grass filled her room. She should be out there and enjoy the sun.

At last she made an effort and her pen scratched across the plain paper, writing down her sister's name and a first sentence with an apology. Then she hesitated again, tried to find a way how to begin. Should she tell Anne about him or shouldn't she? Elsie took the small ivory elephant in her hands and let her fingers touch the cold and smooth surface. It had always calmed her down when she was a child and she had kept the little figurine with her like a treasure.

When she put it back onto the table, the rest of the words flowed out automatically until she came to the end of her letter and to the point where her hand refused to write down the words that had formed in her head.

_Then there is the butler... _she wrote and stared at the words, her hand clutching the pen tighter, forcing it to go on. She added a few more sentences until she finally signed the letter, and her eyes returned to the last paragraph.

The letter was folded and hidden in an empty drawer before she started again. This time leaving out the last part about the butler. It was better if her sister did not know. After all, she was just a head housemaid and there were rules she had to obey. Rules she took very seriously, although they made her heart ache. Maybe one day she would have the chance to tell him about her feelings. But until then she kept them hidden inside her heart.

ooooo

Spring turned into summer, her sleepless nights became fewer and the homesickness faded eventually. It seemed to her that she had found her place in life and that work had never been so satisfying before. She enjoyed waking up early when the sun was just about to rise, when the house was quiet and the only people awake were her, the cook and Mr. Carson. That first summer she often met him on her way downstairs to the kitchen, an oil lamp in his hands to light up the stairway. When he wished her good morning there was always a smile on his face and they would then descend the stairs side by side. On occasion her hand brushed his hand or his arm because the servant's staircase was rather narrow. He never backed off but let it happen. As soon as they reached the end of the stairs, he wished her good morning a second time before he opened the door to his pantry to start his working day. Elsie lost count how often she wished she could just follow him into that room. But she had made her decision and would not give in to the temptation.

Summer was Elsie's favourite season. She tried to spend as much time outdoors as was possible for a head housemaid. Instead of sending a younger housemaid over to the laundry room she picked up the linen herself just to be out in the sun and enjoy the smell of summer. Or she went to talk to the gardener and pick up some fresh flowers for the large hall and the dining room. Usually this was a task the housekeeper took care of but Mrs. Willow was glad that Elsie lightened her workload.

One afternoon when the family was out for a garden party at another estate, she allowed herself five minutes of free time and stepped into the backyard. She stood there, put her head back, closed her eyes and enjoyed the warm sun on her face. How she longed to walk up to the lake and lie down on the lawn, feel the soft grass underneath her hands and inhale the special scent of summer.

"Ms Hughes", his voice brought her back to reality. "Mrs. Willow was looking for you." He came closer until he stood next to her. "She was wondering about the flowers." She opened her eyes to look at him but then noticed that he too had closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, enjoying the fresh air for a moment before he turned around to face her.

"Would you be so kind and tell the gardener to arrange three bouquets for the main hall?"

"Of course Mr. Carson." She could not suppress the wide smile and felt a bit childish to beam at him like this. She was thirty two after all, not a ten year old schoolgirl anymore. But her smile was rewarded when she heard his chuckle.

"You are very fond of this season aren't you?"

"I am, Mr. Carson."

"Would you mind if I accompany you?" the smile on her face involuntarily widened again when he made his offer. "I could use some fresh air and a bit of sun myself."

ooooo

"Good night Ms Hughes." He gently touched her shoulder before he went up the left staircase that night. In the dark he could not see the faint blush on her face that his touch had caused.

Walking down to the flower gardens that afternoon had taken longer than expected. They were soon engaged in a conversation and she told him about life on her parent's farm during the very busy summer months. His questions about that experience were numerous but she was happy to answer them and even happier when she noticed that talking about her past no longer brought along that stabbing pain in her chest.

When she lay awake in her bed that evening, looking at the small flower bouquet in the little vase on her beside cabinet, she saw his face and his smile, heard his voice and felt his fingers again, when he had handed her the flowers. "You should take some summer with you to your room, Ms Hughes."

From that day on she knew that she had started her new life and left her old one behind. There were no nagging doubts anymore, no "should haves" and no regrets. Downton was not yet her home but it would soon become a place she never wanted to leave again. And one reason for that was Charles Carson.

ooooo

_PRESENT_

All these memories were so far away now but her emotions were as strong as they had always been.

"So everything is gone?" his hand still covered hers. It was warm and soft. Her eyes were still closed and she tried to concentrate on her breathing to stop the tears from welling up again. Everything was gone. The main house, the stables, the animals.

"Yes", her voice cracked. "Everything." His thumb gently stroked the back of her hand. "They brought Anne to the village hospital. Her injuries are severe." He took her other hand too and she took a deep breath and opened her eyes to look at him. "They …." She swallowed hard. "… James writes she tried to rescue the horses but the barn was already on fire, and…" her voice broke.

His arms were around her shoulders, drawing her into an embrace, before she even realized that he had risen from his chair. She had lost control of the situation completely, had allowed the wall to crumble bit by bit and had turned into that vulnerable woman she had never wanted to be. But it did not matter anymore.

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><p><em>AN now you know. Next chapter will be the last. (when finally we get to the romance!)_


	6. Chapter 5

_A/N first of all: sorry for updating only now when I've promised to do so for 4 days in a row already! Work, busy weekend, flight to meeting, meeting... uff. _

_A/N2 then: sorry for not answering the latest reviews yet! I've read them all, loved them, smiled at them and cherish them. You've all been so supportive! 3_

_Enjoy reading this last chapter. There'll be an Epilogue soon to close the story._

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><p>Chapter FIVE<p>

She got lost in his embrace. He whispered soothing words into her ear while she tried to control her sobbing but failed to do so. All the emotions she had to suppress during the day now found their way out. Her hand grabbed the fabric of his tailcoat so tight that her fingers hurt but she needed something to hold on to, otherwise she would collapse. He was the only person in the entire house that was aware of her life story, knew how much she loved her sister and how proud she was of her origin, her country, her home, although she now called Downton Abbey her home. He had been her confidant from the very first day.

"I'm sorry", she buried her face in the lapels of his coat. "I did not mean to cause a situation like this." Her mind told her to back off immediately and that her behaviour was more than unprofessional. Though her heart spoke a different language. She needed the comfort only he was able to give her now, because he was the only one who could understand her emotional distress.

"You did not cause _a situation._" His chest vibrated when he spoke. "And you must not feel sorry. Not at all." He whispered the last sentence and tightened the embrace, drew her even closer and she could feel his breath on top of her head and, to her surprise, his lips on her hair next. "Sometimes telling someone how you feel is necessary to cope with the situation."

She loosened the grip on his coat a bit and let her hands wander to rest on his hips. "I don't want to lose her. She is the only one I have left." Her eyes were closed and the constant flow of tears had recently stopped. The effect he had on her was more than soothing. She was feeling safe and more at home than ever before.

"Why don't you take a few days off to go and see her? I'm sure his Lordship won't have any objections." His hands stroked her back reassuringly and without any hesitation or restraint.

She raised her head to look at him, studied his face for a moment, the worry in his eyes, the apologetic smile on his lips. "Thank you." He was so close now. Only once had she been in a similar situation and that had led to something both of them had never again spoken of.

ooooo

Every year they organised a huge garden party at midsummer and Mrs. Willow had kindly requested Elsie to assist her with the preparations. For two weeks she had worked more than was good for her health and was utterly exhausted when the day of the actual event finally came. Since the break of dawn she was on her feet, hurrying up and down stairs, directing the younger housemaids, giving all the rooms a final touch, discussing menus with Mrs. Patmore. She was delegating as much work as possible but still, her position was that of a head housemaid not that of the housekeeper. So she had to serve during the garden party after all, though her feet hurt. She had to smile and curtsy when her eyes fell almost shut. Had to delegate even more when her voice had almost left her.

When the sun began to set Mrs. Willow finally dismissed her to get some rest and Elsie went back inside the house to take off her apron and cap. Relief was an understatement to what she felt after she finally stepped out of the backdoor again and into the backyard, taking a deep breath, ready to enjoy what was left of the evening.

The air was still warm and smelled of summer so Elsie decided to enjoy a few moments of solitude down at the lake. How she managed to walk all the way across the large grounds on her sore feet she could not recall, but it felt wonderfully to plunge her swollen feet into the cold water. Nothing had ever been more soothing except when she had run across the endless meadows behind their farm after a summer rain.

"Ms Hughes." She startled and turned around as she heard his voice behind her. "Lady Grantham was looking for you to thank you for all your efforts." Slowly he approached her. She could feel the wooden pier vibrate underneath his steps and the closer he came, the more aware she became of how inappropriate her attire was. Her legs were bare and her feet were still dipped into the lake. Her skirt was up to her knees and her hair was far from being perfectly pinned up. In a frantic hurry she covered her legs so that the hem of her dress accidentally got soaked. The moment she was about to stand up, he was standing directly behind her.

"I am sorry Mr. Carson." Right now she did not at all look like the capable head housemaid of Downton Abbey but more like the young, naïve girl she once had been. Instead of telling her off as she had expected, he offered her a hand to help her to her feet. Hesitantly she accepted his offer. "Thank you very much and please excuse my rather inappropriate attire."

"You did not expect anyone to join you down here then?" the smirk on his face confused her.

"To be honest Mr. Carson I wasn't even aware that someone knew about my whereabouts." She had learned to love this place and as often as possible walked down the overgrown path from the house. The quietness and peacefulness were a comfort after a busy day. No one else seemed to ever bother the rather long walk. It was her secret sanctuary.

"I had noticed that you often come here." She must have shot him a shocked look because he did not continue with what he was about to say. "Never mind. I believe it would be best If I turn around now and allow you to get dressed properly again."

She looked down at her bare feet that looked out from underneath the wet seam of her black dress and stifled a laugh. This encounter was most peculiar and awkward though she had to admit that she enjoyed it immensely. He had turned his back on her and she quickly put on her stockings and shoes. "Would you mind if I accompany you back to the house." He spoke without looking at her although she had finished dressing.

"You can turn around again Mr. Carson", the cheerfulness in her voice was unmistakable now. "And yes, you may accompany me to the house."

He offered her his arm. "I hope I did not embarrass you, Ms Hughes." The look he gave her was probing as if he was trying to find something out. "You must know that this is also one of my favourite places on the grounds and after I noticed that you also grew fond of it, it was the first place that came to my mind when I was sent out to look for you."

Again she could not hide the astonished look on her face after he had made this confession. Her heart skipped a beat but so did her feet when she suddenly tripped, lost her footing and was only saved from falling by his strong arms that caught her. The next thing that happened was something she had envisioned endless times during her sleepless nights, wished for every minute since her arrival at Downton and imagined to never become reality because of what he had said on her first day. But she could feel those lips on hers, feel the warmth that spread through her body and the tingling sensation in her stomach.

"Excuse me Ms Hughes", he murmured very close to her face while her eyes were still closed.

ooooo

"You are welcome", he whispered hoarsely while holding her gaze. She could tell what he was thinking right now because she knew him, was aware of their history together. His hands still touched her lower back and she believed that she could feel the warmth of his hands even through the many layers that covered her body in that particular place. The physical closeness they were both experiencing now had never existed between them. Exchanging glances, smiles, words was all they ever did for almost twenty years. She learned to be content with that, learned to hide her feelings to an extent that caused more hurt than it did her good. But it was necessary she had told herself over and over again. Letting her heart take over was a risk she was afraid of, although it was all she ever wanted to do.

Right now she was vulnerable, incapable of restoring that façade of pure professionalism. He was able to help her, he was the one that gave her the support she needed so desperately since she had read that letter. She tiptoed to be closer to his face, closed the distance between them and placed a shy kiss on his lips.

Immediately his body reacted when his hands tightened their hold and she felt how he tensed up. She wanted to say something, thank him again, tell him that she would be fine as long as he would be there to comfort her. But she could not because her lips were sealed with another kiss that lasted much longer than the first and left her breathless.

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><p><strong>TBC with an Epilogue soon :)<strong>


	7. Chapter 6

_A/N All those lovely reviews were really overwhelming! 3 thank you so much! _

_The promised (very short) epilogue._

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><p>Epilogue<p>

She needed all the comfort he was able to give or otherwise she would collapse under the burden that had been put upon her shoulders. He waited patiently for her to recover from the endearments they had just shared for the first time after so many years. Her head still rested on his chest where he held her close, caressed her back, trying to calm he down, to ease away the worry and the overwhelming emotions she must had had after that kiss. There are no words he could possible utter right now, just gestures.

"Are you feeling better?" he quietly asked because he needed to know. He could not endure to see her break down a second time. She had always been so strong and whenever something was bothering her she usually controlled her feelings so perfectly that he often wondered how she coped with them at all. There had always been times when he had wanted to hold her like he did now, touch her, kiss her. Since her first day at Downton he had been enchanted by this woman but never found the courage to tell her so. He had always been afraid of the consequences. Leaving Downton had never been an option but suppressing his feelings for her had also caused him too many sleepless nights. Deep inside him he had always known that she would return his love one day, that there would be a moment where he would have the chance to show her how he felt.

"Much better, thank you," she murmured, her lips touching the fabric of his shirt while she spoke.

"Good", was the only thing he could say, his voice so deep and quiet that he was not sure if she had heard him. He tried to loosen the embrace a bit to have a look at her again, but she only pressed herself closer to his chest. "You did not mind?" he whispered because he had to know, to make sure that what had just happened was not just a reaction caused by her current vulnerability.

The sound she made next surprised him, nearly caused him to back off immediately. She laughed, quietly and subdued. "Not at all, not at all." She repeated before she tilted her head to catch his gaze. "I needed that. So many times." Her voice now only a whisper, her eyes red from the tears she had shed but her lips curved into the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. "It saved me. You took a burden off my heart. I will be forever thankful for that."

His thumb caressed her cheekbone briefly before he planted another kiss on her lips. "Take a few days off tomorrow and go to see your sister. Will you do that?" She nodded in reply. "And when you return we will talk about us, about what has happened, about everything." He took a deep breath. "Because right now you should go and rest."

ooooo

She took the little ivory elephant in her hands and closely looked at it, remembered the day when her father had given it to her. _You are strong Elsie, just like this animal. No harm will ever come to you and one day you'll find someone just as strong as you._

That someone had been in her life for almost twenty years now but only since today was he really part of her life. Elsie Hughes had finally made Downton her home.

THE END

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><p><em>AN and that's it. My version of Elsie's first months at Downton Abbey. _


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